childlike me

why as kids do we long to grow up? seriously. i know theres alot of awesome things and priveleges that go with being an 18 year old senior but with those come responsibilities, pressures and doubts. like college for example. ive pretty much decided where i want to go and what i want to do and Lord willing ill help hundreds of kids become closer to God. but with the certainty of that i know i will never be a stunt pilot, a rock star, or my greatest childhood ambition, an astronaut. Ive had to trade dreams for reality. i also miss possesing a child's innocence. granted im not sure if i ever was an innocent child but i remember facing far less temptation. i could go to school and not feel urges of rebellion or lust but every day of school seemed exciting and fun, even if i hated homework. as ive become older, school has grown more monotonous and tiring. for example i come home from school ready to sleep, while my 8 year old brother comes home to build space ships out of legos and play soccer with his friends. that also comes down to energy. kids just seem to have so much. i remember when i was little i used to wake up at sunrise and run through everyone's bedroom yelling "its morning its morning" and pull back the curtains to let the sun shine. pretty crazy but its true.

finally i miss having the faith of a child. Christ tells us that we need to have a childlike faith completely trusting without doubt. when nathan was younger and terrefied of water. we would go to a swimming pool and he would jump into your arms, despite how scared he was. his eyes would close tight and he'd cling as hard as he could but he trusted you completely to be there for him. so too should i trust God completely, and yet somedays i dont. But even then, God is still there for me no matter what, and no matter how far i turn from him.

so how can i be a child again? unfortunatelly, that is impossible. im never going to be 5 years old again no matter how much i wish i was and throughout the rest of my life im going to possess sinful thoughts, desires and sin in ways that would never cross the mind of child. as we grow into a larger world of adults, our sins grow with us. but what can i do to keep whats left of a child inside of me. the only way i can think of, is to keep the best things of childhood close to my heart. to always look at the world in a sense of wonderment and awe, to be energetic and laugh, even when i dont want to because energy and laughter compound onto themselves. temptation is much harder to bring back to childhood. im not the same person i was in kindergarten or third grade or preschool. i should not be, but i still need to trust in God as completely as those do to help me avoid temptation and stay on Christ's path set before me. i can never be a child again but that doesnt mean ill ever growup.